SONG: ¶ Can
¶ Anybody
¶ Find me
¶ Somebody to love?
¶ Each morning I get up, I die a little
¶ Can barely stand on my feet ¶ Take a look
¶ Take a look in the mirror and cry ¶ In the mirror
¶ And cry Lord, what you're doing to me?
¶ I have spent all my years In believing you
¶ But I just can't get no relief, Lord
¶ Somebody ¶ Somebody
¶ Ooh, somebody ¶ Somebody
¶ Can anybody find me
¶ Somebody to love?
¶ I work hard ¶ He works hard
¶ Every day of my life
¶ I work till I ache my bones... ¶
Morning! Cup of tea?
Sorry, (SONG FADES)
The power and the water needs paying. I'm leaving some money towards it here.
You going somewhere, hon?
I'm leaving you, Doug. (HORN HONKS)
Well, that's it? I don't understand.
Is it something I've done? Oh, come on, Doug.
You're still in your parents' house.
Your job is going nowhere.
You have a degree and you work in a road gang.
You can't just leave.
I love you.
Doug, please.
I promise to change.
Nothing has changed in two years.
Except me.
¶ Got nobody left to believe! ¶
(BIRDS CRY)
(FIRES)
Hey, Flash.
Mate, you sure this is the right place?
Yeah, it's the right place, Gurn.
Oh, no! Oh!
Shit!
Oh, no!
(LAUGHS) Whoo-hoo!
You're joking.
WOMAN: Mr. Watson?
Someone to see you. He says he's a friend.
Flash!
Hey!
Come in. God, I haven't seen you since, um...
(SIGHS) I don't know.
How's Susan?
She left me.
(SIGHS) Ouch, eh?
It's a bummer, man.
Yeah.
Let's face it.
She always was higher-octane than your engine was designed for.
You know?
I mean, no, it's a stinker, but, um... maybe it's for the best.
For the best? Yeah.
I love her. I thought we were a couple.
Well, no. I know.
It's like a kick in the gonads when that happens.
Or so I hear. It's my heart, Craig.
It's not my gonads.
What am I gonna do?
You want my advice?
Yeah. Yep?
Well, you've got to get on with your life. I guess so.
Yeah. Oh, there's the spirit. Onwards and outwards.
Hey, and you give us a ring sometime. We're gonna grab a beer, OK?
Yeah, That'd be...
Be good.
Can we talk about this?
Us?
I love you.
(SIGHS)
I love you. Love you.
SONG: ¶ Yes, It's a hard life
¶ Two lovers together
¶ To love and live forever
¶ In each other's hearts
¶ It's a long, hard fight
¶ To learn to care for each other
¶ To trust in one another right from the start
¶ When you're in love... ¶ (DOG BARKS)
Hey, shut up!
Shut up, you... dog!
Oh! Just...
Get out, man! Go!
(SIGHS) (FLUTTERING ON ROOF)
What are you doing up there? (QUACKS)
You hurt? (QUACKS)
(SIGHS)
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
(QUACKS)
What the...? No!
Not inside the house! Go on!
Mongrel! Get that duck out of here!
Come back!
(BARKS)
Get out! This is my house!
Ha! Got ya!
(PANTS) (DOG BARKS)
Right, you! Go on! Get out.
Yes.
Good riddance.
(SIGHS) Bloody duck.
(DUCK QUACKS)
MAN: You can't keep him here, mate.
I'm sure there's health and safety rules about this sort of thing.
What am I supposed to do? Can't keep him at home. He'll just trash the place.
Why don't you take him to a vet? MAN: Nah.
Vets are a bloody rip-off.
(DUCK QUACKS)
(SIGHS)
Well, it's, um...
It's munted, right?
Maybe we should just... you know, just put it out of its misery.
We just close up the box and we roll over it with the, um...
Oh! Eh?
Eh? Come on. It'll be painless.
Dude, it doesn't sound painless. Well, we can have it for lunch.
(QUACKS)
Yeah, you put mud all around it and you put it in a hole in the ground.
Build a fire over it. Leave it for an hour. We're not eating it.
It's just a bird. They're filthy animals.
Maybe you should take it to the zoo. (DUCK QUACKS)
Zoos take animals, don't they?
(ANIMALS CHATTER)
Come on, little one.
That's it.
Gonna see some children now.
That's it. Shh!
We'll put you in this cage, OK?
That's it. Take it easy.
Good girl.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh! Bollocks!
Sorry.
(METAL CLANGS) Sorry. I'm...
I'm just looking for the, uh... the bird expert...
...keeper person.
Well, you've found her.
What can I do for you?
Ah, it's this duck. I think it's injured.
Well, he needs a vet, then, doesn't it?
Well, the thing is, it's not really my duck.
Look, we're not a refuge for broken birds. I'm sorry.
(DUCK QUACKS) Come on! Here we go.
I thought you might have, like, a bird hospital or something.
Yeah, right next to the bird fire station.
Yep.
I'm kind of busy. So...
Right.
OK. Here we go, little one.
So it'll fit here somewhere? No.
No? It won't fit anywhere.
Must be somewhere I can take a duck. It's not a duck.
I'm pretty sure it is.
Oh, so you're the bird expert now, are you?
Well, no. It's just...
I mean, that's a duck. Isn't it?
The traditional method of feeding zoo animals from a feed pan...
It's a shelduck.
...does little to stimulate complex feeding behaviours.
DOUG: Oh, well, great. See? There you go. I wouldn't have known that.
So it's better off here, isn't it, really? (SIGHS)
WOMAN: No, Look, um...
Give you the name of someone who might be able to help you.
Now, some of the food that we feed the animals
you might not think of as food.
(ALL GASP)
It's the Easter bunny.
(SOBS)
Oh, Jesus. Here.
Look him up. Give him a call.
Who wants to see a more pork, hey?
Oh, isn't he gorgeous?
MAN: Putangitangi,
the paradise shelduck,
is endemic to New Zealand.
It can be found nowhere else in the world.
When discovered by Captain Cook, he called it the painted duck,
an inadequate description, I feel.
You know a lot about ducks.
Thank you, Ginger.
Actually, they have more in common with swans and geese
than they do with ducks.
I'm a, uh, vet by trade but a twitcher by volition.
A twitcher?
Birdwatcher. Oh.
I've always loved birds.
They do something that we...
...humans can't do.
They... fly unaided.
Rather magical animals, as far as I'm concerned.
(QUACKS)
Well, let's have a look.
Yes, he has been shot.
No sign of a female friend when you found him?
No.
Many people believe that they mate for life,
so that if they lose a mate, then that's it.
(WHISPERS) He's on his own.
Your friend's flying days are over. He can't fend for himself.
So I think the most humane thing to do would be to put him down.
Oh...
Or...
...I could bind his wing and we could try to find him a foster home.
Well, that sounds good.
Someone will need to look after him in the meantime.
(QUACKS)
Right.
So, how long? Couple of days, maybe a week.
Hmm?
(QUACKS)
Yeah. Alright.
I'll do it. I can do that.
Right, what... What does he eat?
Well, shelducks usually graze on seeds and grasses
with the odd worm thrown in.
However, tinned peas will be fine.
Tinned peas? Mm-hm.
Alright. Mum, look!
He's strange.
(QUACKS)
Sorry.
(QUACKS)
I like your duck. Thank you.
Have you had him long?
No, I'm just looking after it for a while.
(MAKES FLATULENT NOISE)
That was the duck.
Right.
(PHONE BEEPS) Yeah.
Well, see you later. 'Bye.
It shouldn't take too long. I should have it all ready to... go!
My God! Christ on a bike.
I really didn't think he'd stoop to this.
This is nuts!
Is this...
(GASPS)
Ew.
Fine!
If he wants to trash my stuff...
...I'll bloody show him.
(SHATTERING)
Is it true that penguins mate once a year?
Yeah.
Lucky bastards.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what you're laughing at.
When was the last time you got lucky?
Actually, I'm very happy being a penguin.
You're not a penguin, Holly.
You're a bloody penguin nun. Yeah.
(QUACKS)
Shit!
This is all your fault.
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Susan?
GURN: Hey, Flash. I guess you're not coming back to work today, huh?
No.
It all sort of got out of hand. You know, just...
Just trying to get rid of the duck. So...
I'm just gonna see you tomorrow.
You'll see me tonight, mate. It's quiz night.
Oh. Yeah.
Of course. Yep.
I'll see you then.
Oh, oh. Hey. Hey, and bring the duck.
He can't be any worse than the other two, right?
Sure.
(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES) (DUCK QUACKS)
Sure, make yourself at home.
What did that guy with the duck want?
He found it, wanted to know what to do with it.
He was quite cute.
HOLLY: Well, he could walk and talk.
Like I said, cute.
This pond still isn't draining properly.
It needs rooting out, I think.
You should probably... give it a good seeing-to.
Get... Just get in there and give it a poking.
I know what you're doing, and I'm... I'm not...
This isn't.,, I'm not amused.
Really not amused.
MAN: Does it like beer? DOUG: No. No.
No! Come on!
Focus, you lot.
It's time to get serious. MAN: OK!
The category is 'All Creatures Great and Small'.
A group of bees is called... what?
A shoal. A shoal of bees.
No. Don't be stupid. It's a hive.
Oh, no, no. A hive is where they live. It's a, um...
It's a swarm. Isn't it, Doug?
Doug.
A swarm. A swarm of bees.
Bees. Yeah, yeah, a swarm.
If you guys are wrong, you're shouting the next round.
Not gonna happen, dickjam. Who you calling dickjam, numbnuts?
Want me to numb your nuts, eh? Hey!
You don't see the Professors arguing! Well, they don't have to.
They've got two PhDs, a bloody astronomer and a sports journalist.
Unbeatable.
I am an animal from Greek mythology,
the harbinger of death.
I take the form of dogs, dolphins and birds.
(DUCK QUACKS)
Psychopomp. A cycle pump?
That's not a word. I read it in a Stephen King book.
These birds pecked a dude to death.
Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause birds are evil bastards.
How does Susan feel about having a flying rat in the house?
Doug!
Are you OK, mate?
(SIGHS)
Susan left me.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I'm just not... I'm not up for this.
You're better without me.
And don't forget your dinner.
(QUACKS)
Cheers, man.
Look after yourself, eh?
DOUG: I'll call you tomorrow.
QUIZ MASTER: 'All Creatures Great and Small'.
The raptor family consists of what type of bird?
Dr. Dre. What?!
Dr. Dre the raptor.
"A psychopomp is the guide of lost souls,
"a mediator between the conscious and the unconscious realms,
"life and death.
"Their role is not to judge the deceased
"but to provide a safe passage to the next life."
Well, at least I know you're not judging me.
What was she like? Your mate?
Maybe you shouldn't answer that. (QUACKS)
I had a bath with Susan once.
We lit some candles,
opened a bottle of wine, put on some music.
It was quite fancy.
Little bit cramped, though.
The tap kept sticking into my back. She had to move.
Leaned a bit too close to the... the candle. (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Her hair caught fire.
Lucky we were in the bath.
(QUACKS) Oh!
Steady on!
Hey, Donald. Look.
I've got to tell you, this is... kind of a one-man deal.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
This is not gonna be a regular thing.
Great. Now I'm talking to a duck.
(QUACKS) In a bath.
Whoa!
That is not a worm, OK?
(DUCK QUACKS)
(SIGHS)
(DUCK QUACKS, DOOR RATTLES)
Forget it! You're not coming in.
(DUCK QUACKS)
(CLATTERING)
If you don't shut up, I'll put you outside for the dog's dinner.
(DUCK QUIETENS)
(QUACKS) Arggh!
GURN: Yeah, let's go! MAN: Come on, guys!
(HORNS HONK)
He's down like a clown!
(LAUGHS)
This ain't fair.
You guys are, like, genetically designed to be better at cricket.
"You guys"?
Alright.
What do you call an Indian flying a plane?
You call him a pilot, you pack of racists.
I can't believe I work with you people. Ah, I'm not a racist.
Come on, guys.
Dude! You look terrible.
Oh, I didn't get any sleep last night, did I?
Stupid duck kept trying to get into my bedroom.
I should never have had a bath with it.
A bath?
Yeah, well, he...
It doesn't matter, Look.
What are you...? You're not working.
Well, you weren't here.
Oh, alright. Fair enough. (PHONE RINGS)
Hello? DR BUSTER: Good news.
I've found someone to take your duck. Great. Yeah, that is good news.
It's called Puddleduck Farm. Everything's taken care of.
You can pop in any time. They're expecting you.
Where is it? 'Bye.
Hello?
So, Mr. Crappy. There'll be lots of birds there.
Birds of a feather.
You can flock together.
Be able to do all your duck stuff.
Might even meet a nice lady duck.
You never know.
Best of all, you'll be able to poo anywhere you like.
(QUACKS) Yes.
I thought you'd like that.
(QUACKS)
Bit of music, eh?
SONG: ¶ I want to break free
¶ I want to break free... ¶
(QUACKS)
¶ I want to break free from your lies
¶ You're so self-satisfied
¶ I don't need you... ¶ Well, look at that.
The duck likes Queen.
¶ I've got to break free
¶ God knows
¶ God knows, I want to break... ¶
(RECORD SCRATCHES) (DUCKS QUACK)
WOMAN: Hello!
You must be Doug.
You can call me Aunty Jessamine. Everyone does.
Hi.
We're very excited to have a new addition to our happy little commune!
Aren't we, everyone?
That's good. Oh, aren't they adorable?
They've all got their own hat!
And I've got a lovely one all picked out for your little ducky.
(DUCKS QUACK AGGRESSIVELY)
Gareth, stop doing that to Darcy! I've told you before, he doesn't like it!
Sometimes the boys can get a little...
...frisky with each other.
Oh. (STRAINS)
Right.
Uh...
(SIGHS)
Oh... Bugger!
I must be mad.
Whoa! Watch out!
You moron duck!
Crazy. Whoa!
Nearly had us in the ditch.
Let's have this stupid hat off for a start.
Come on.
You stay there.
That's your side, alright?
Now, just... Look, put your seatbelt on, for a start.
Just stay... Don't look at me like that.
Right, every species has to be belted in,
(BIRDSONG)
Holly? Yep?
Look. Um...
Doug. Doug. Um...
Your little friend is a wild animal. We're not a bird sanctuary.
I know. I just want some advice.
My advice is let him go. Let him fend for himself.
Well, what if he can't?
Happens all the time. It's called life. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Well...
He's staying with me.
So you're keeping him?
Yeah, I think I will.
Although there's just a couple of issues.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
It keeps getting into the bed with me, which... I know it's a bit weird, but...
I mean, he's a duck. So...
Have you tried closing the door?
I've done that, but he's very loud. You can hear him on the other side.
I can't get much sleep.
OK. I can give you a few pointers.
But we'll probably have to see the duck's environment.
My house? Yes.
Don't we, Holly?
OK.
Um... OK, yeah.
I could give it... a quick look and suggest some changes.
Changes?!
Look, do you want to get a good night's sleep or not?
Yep.
OK.
(QUACKS)
Are you stealing that duck?
What? No.
What are you doing with it, then? None of your business.
It is if you're stealing it.
Well, I'm not stealing it, alright? It's my duck.
What's its name, then?
Excuse me?
Well, if it's your duck, you must know its name.
Pierre.
Pierre? What kind of a name is that for a pet? That's stupid.
You're stupid! Alright? It's not a pet.
Then it's not yours. Yes, it is!
Liar! You're a duck thief.
Everyone! He's stealing! Shh!
I'm calling the police on you. Not stealing.
Keep your noise down, alright? I'm not a thief.
Don't call the cops. You'll get into trouble.
Here! Hey, give it back!
No! It's a toy anyway. Is not!
Look, it's my duck, and I'm taking him home. OK?
And you, mind your own beeswax. Little brat!
(ROARS)
Good day.
Maybe I am stuck.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello? Hey, Craig. It's Doug.
I need your help with something. Um...
Sure. What's up?
I'm gonna sell the house. Yeah.
It's time for me to move on. Oh, good for you, Flash.
Thank you.
So I need a few pointers. You know, how to sell it.
Where to invest. You couldn't be in safer hands, mate.
Don't worry. I'll take care of everything.
Cheers.
It's the least I could do, mate. I'll be in touch.
Alright, man. See you.
(PIERRE QUACKS)
Oh, crap!
WOMAN: You've got a call on line one.
Uh, tell them I'm busy.
It's the bank, Craig!
Then, uh...
I'm in Wellington. Big deal in the offing.
Seriously!
I'm on the verge of a major development deal.
(SIGHS)
Bankruptcy is what you're on the bloody verge of, Craig.
Everyone who calls is looking to get paid, and so am I.
Hey, come on.
Amanda.
There's more to this job than money. Mmm?
If there's no money by tomorrow, you're on your own.
Hey!
Now, he's just through here.
There he is.
Oh! (BOTH LAUGH)
Hey. Got a couple of visitors.
HOLLY: Lovely house. WOMAN: Yeah.
Oh!
Bit of a... bit of a Queen fan, I see.
Yeah, I guess so. HOLLY: Yeah.
Get it from the old man. He was quite the fanatic.
Was he?
Got all the albums. Lovely.
WOMAN: Where are your parents now?
That's them there.
You're actually touching Dad.
It's alright.
He'd probably like it.
Oh, I didn't... Uh... Well, he's, uh...
He's looking... He's looking good.
He's looking healthy.
Does he get out much? Um, no.
I kind of keep him in this little area. Right.
There's a stray dog. So... Mm-hm.
I've got a little towel up there with a view.
You'd be surprised how many times he walks into that.
(WOMEN LAUGH) HOLLY: Right.
"It's a towel!" But he can't understand me.
He'll probably need somewhere to swim, though, so...
Yeah. I've got to get him out of my bath. Yep, uh...
Sorry, your bath? Mmm.
Thought you were... trying to get him out of your bed.
Bed, not bath! (WOMEN LAUGH)
I don't share the bath with him. That would be weird.
No. I wouldn't have a bath with a duck.
What's wrong with the guy? Yeah.
Oh. No. Just in the bed there. So... Mmm.
Yeah.
Um...
Actually...
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLATTERING)
Are you OK? Yeah. Just hang on a second.
OK.
Do you need, um... Whoa!
That's not mine. Sure.
So...
Paddling pool. Oh. Oh, of course.
Had it since I was a kid. Oh.
HOLLY: Hey, it's a good start. WOMAN: Do you have a girlfriend?
Um...
No. Not really.
Sort of in between, I guess.
Yeah.
Pierre. (QUACKS)
Look. Pierre?
Yeah, it's... it's...
Oh, yeah, no. It's a good name.
It suits him, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah.
I think so.
(BLOWS)
Come on. You'll like it.
I know. Look.
If we're gonna make this work, you have to trust me, OK?
Come on, have a go.
Yes. In the pool.
You can do it!
Come on, mate. Here we go.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
DOUG: Wow. Look at that, eh?
HOLLY: Just the basics there, OK? DOUG: Right.
Clean water, good diet.
The more he sees this as his home, the more respect he'll give it, so...
So no more crapping on the floor? Well, no.
He's a duck, so... Yeah.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
OK. 'Bye.
Cool. See ya. Cheers. See ya.
Doug's quite nice, isn't he?
God, you're unbelievable! What?!
Do you never, ever stop?
He's single.
And he's got his own home.
You're insatiable. And he's got a nice bottom.
He's got a nice bottom, has he?
(ALARM BEEPS) (RADIO STATION BLARES)
MAN ON RADIO: Rise and shine, Auckland. Life's calling.
Just gone 7:00. You're listening to AKFM.
Come on, let's kick-start the day
with a track for all you hopeless romantics out there.
Queen, 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'. (SPLASH!)
SONG: ¶ This thing called love
¶ I just can't handle It
¶ This thing called love
¶ I must get round to It
¶ I ain't ready
¶ Crazy little thing called love
¶ This thing ¶ This thing
¶ Called love ¶ Called love
¶ It cries ¶ Like a baby
¶ In a cradle all night It swings
¶ Woo-ooh ¶ It jives, yeah
¶ It shakes all over like a jellyfish
¶ I kinda like It
¶ That crazy little thing called love... ¶
(LAUGHS) (GRUNTS)
Hey, try kicking it! Try not flooding it.
Bloody piece of junk.
Why doesn't Ray scrap the thing and get a new one?
Oh, you're joking, right? He's tighter than a fish's bum!
(LAUGHS)
The bugger bit me!
Ah!
Never start it in gear! That clutch is dodgy.
So Doug's keeping the duck?
Um... am I the only one that thinks that this is a bit, um...
Well, you know, um...
(WHISPERS) ...unnatural?
Unnatural?
Well, his girlfriend leaves him and he replaces her... with a duck.
What is it with you and birds? OK.
What about all the derogatory words we use to talk about birds? Hmm?
(LAUGHS) What?
'Bird-brained', huh? 'Feather-brained'. 'Flighty'.
We call people 'chickens' and um...
Turkeys! Yeah, and 'cocks', man.
We call someone 'an egg'. Or an egg burger!
Come on. See! They're foul.
Now, I'm going to work and you're staying here, OK?
You understand? (QUACKS)
You stay. (QUACKS)
No. You're not coming, OK?
You're staying. You're remaining behind.
Stay.
Good, (QUACKS)
Stay!
Stay.
Look... (SHOUTS) Stay!
(QUACKS)
Sure this is the right address?
This is it. Blocked drain, it says.
Alright.
Doug! Hi.
Hi. Hi.
Um... is there a problem with Pierre?
No, no, he's fine. OK.
I've actually got a work order to fix a drain here,
Oh. So you're from... Yep.
City maintenance, subcontractors.
Great. (LAUGHS)
Me and the crew.
Lovely. OK, well I'll just pop this in the office and I'll show you the way.
You know what they say- when you fall off a horse
the best thing to do is get right back on again, eh?
I was just talking to her about Pierre. Uh-huh.
There's no... Uh-huh.
Cuh-utel She could clean my cage any time.
And you could empty the truck any time.
Like now, Brent.
It's this way.
Hi, Doug. Hi.
Are those your mates?
Yeah. That's my work gang.
Cool.
Might just go and supervise them for a bit.
Supervise them?
Yeah. She's a bit man-happy. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Doug's gonna come in, and um...
...Gurneesh is just cleaning up, Yeah.
I kind of run the guys.
Yep. Cool.
(QUACKS)
(LAUGHS) You know, it might be the first thing Brent's got right.
She is kinda cute.
(QUACKS)
Forget it.
I don't think she's got any interest in me.
(QUACKS) Ow! What was that for?
(QUACKS) Oi. Where you going?
Hey. Where do you think you're going?
Shhh. Alright, Doug?
Hi. Hi.
Just walking Pierre.
Great.
He seems to like your area. Does he?
So...
Drain's almost done.
Oh, good. Great.
It's finished, you'll be... all fully drained and...
Lovely. (LAUGHS)
(PIERRE QUACKS)
Can I, uh... help you with anything else?
Yeah, I wanted to say thank you for helping with Pierre.
Oh, no. Not a problem.
It's what I do. (LAUGHS)
I wanted to show my thanks and...
...maybe...
...take you out for... for dinner?
Oh... uh...
Or we could just, uh, get a coffee or...
Well, yeah. That's, um...
That's really sweet of you.
Go for a walk... (LAUGHS)
Busy! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) That's alright. That's cool.
Hi, Doug. Hi.
Holly... I am not gonna be able to come over for dinner tonight.
I'm sorry. I had to take the late cleaning shift.
OK.
Um, why doesn't Doug go
instead of me?
Sorry, what? What?
Yeah. You guys both look like you could use the company.
Well, um...
Happy little penguin, are we?
Actually, it'd be really nice.
If you're still up for it. (LAUGHS)
Yeah. Sure. Yeah, great.
Good. Worked out well.
Lovely. Well... (LAUGHS) See you, then.
See you then... then. Lovely.
(LAUGHS) OK. 'Bye.
See you, Doug.
Get you next time!
Susan?
Craig!
Hey. Oh. Long time no see.
Yeah, yeah. It has been a while.
Zara, um, this is Craig. Zara, hello,
Yeah, I caught up with Doug.
I'm so sorry to hear about you guys.
Yeah, well, it's been on the cards for a while now.
Well, if you ask me, he was a fool to let you slip through his fingers.
(LAUGHS COYLY)
I'm off.
(WHISPERS) He's cute.
(LAUGHS) I heard that. Thank you.
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
Mind if I join you? Ah, please. Help yourself.
Well...
Cheers.
Well, this is it.
(QUACKS)
(EXHALES) Let's go.
OK. Now, no crapping on the carpet, alright?
(QUACKS)
Mum! It's the loser duck guy.
Hi, Doug. Hi.
I see you've already met my son, Taylor.
Your son.
He lost my communicator.
Uh... You did?
Well... it was a misunderstanding. He's mean.
Well, no. I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose.
Course not. No, I'm gonna get you a new one.
Whatever!
(SIGHS) (LAUGHS)
Come in. Come in.
Oh, hello.
HOLLY: That's Artie. He's Taylor's friend.
Oh, OK, Practically lives here.
He's a bit different, but he's a good kid.
Shall I put that in the fridge? Yes. Please.
It's chardonnay. Ooh!
Favorite.
So, what are you building? Is it a rock?
It's not a rock, it's actually an asteroid.
It's NT7.
NT7.
ARTIE: You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't?
It's an asteroid that's gonna destroy the Earth in 2019.
It'll be the end of the world. (PIERRE QUACKS)
Really? Wow!
There's nothing we can do to stop it.
OK, then.
You're joking.
Ugh!
You're an idiot!
Hello, Brenda.
Hello, Brent.
You look like you could do with a drink.
Care to join me?
OK. (LAUGHS)
DOUG: You can pet him. He won't bite.
Just, yeah, feel how soft he is under there, look.
He's like a duck. It is a duck, isn't it?
(QUACKS) HOLLY: OK, you lot.
Dinner's ready.
(QUACKS) There you go.
I've got a joke.
Oh? Oh, yeah?
What do you call a guy with a spade in his head?
Dunno.
Doug! (LAUGHS)
Very good.
Haven't actually heard that one before.
Really? No.
Taylor... before it gets cold.
Mmm. That was great. Thank you.
Taylor...
Really into your space stuff, aren't ya?
(LAUGHS) He gets it from me, I'm afraid.
I love space.
And movies about landing on the moon and stuff.
Really?
I think there's something kind of sexy about space.
When I was a kid I...
...had this romantic dream that
one day a spaceman would come down in his rocket
and whisk me off to the moon. (LAUGHS)
The moon! Yeah. (LAUGHS)
So what about the, uh, lack of gravity and no air? That didn't put you off?
No. (LAUGHS) I don't know.
Having lived in Lewisham...
...same place all my life, I just wanted to get as far away from there as I could.
You know, there were no flights to the moon
and I heard that New Zealand was the next best thing.
So... here I am. (CHUCKLES)
Suppose it's nearly as far. No!
Yes.
So do you ever think about going back to the UK or...
Not really. Kinda settled here.
Taylor's a Kiwi, like his Dad is...
...was...
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Oh, I've never left New Zealand.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Wow. You must be the first Kiwi I've met who hasn't travelled.
(LAUGHS) I'm just... not a fan of flying.
Sure.
But... Doug, he was just so content for things to stay the same and...
...after a while that just gets a bit...
Boring!
Yes!
Well, here's to you, then. Mmm, Me.
Ah, no, no. You've got to make eye contact. Come on.
Otherwise it's seven years bad sex.
Well, we can't have that now, can we?
Taylor seems a bit down about this whole end-of-the-world asteroid thing.
Yeah, well.
He lost his dad when he was six and, um...
...the counselor said that...
...the NT7 obsession was his way of dealing with...
...his grief, really.
You know, if his dad can die, then why can't the rest of us?
I'm sorry. It's OK.
We'd separated a couple of years before
and I think he'd decided that, you know, 'happy families' wasn't really his thing.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
You didn't come here to listen to my tragic sob stories.
It's not tragic.
Little bit. (LAUGHS)
Besides, I know what you mean.
Breaking up sucks.
Oh, yeah?
Susan left me 'cause my, uh... my life was too small.
Yeah, she said I was stuck, needed to change.
And do you?
Well, I thought my life was fine.
I've got a good job. Great mates.
Hmm.
I loved her, thought she was the one.
But I guess there was something that just wasn't working and I didn't see it.
Well, it's her loss.
You think? Yeah.
Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
I should get this duck home.
It's a bit late. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
I should clear this mess up anyway.
(WHISPERS) Hey!
You're quite fond of him, aren't you? Yeah, he is sort of growing on me.
I think it's nice to have someone who relies on you.
At least Taylor doesn't crap on the floor.
No. Not anymore. (LAUGHS)
Mum, Artie's had a bad dream.
Can you come and sit with us?
Taylor...
It's alright. I'd better go anyway.
Thanks for dinner. OK.
Mr. Gordon... Yes, Taylor?
I already had a Dad. I don't want another one.
Taylor...
It's OK. No, it's not.
It's alright.
Taylor...
I'm so sorry. I...
Holly, it's fine. I'll, uh... see ya.
OK.
(QUACKS)
Morning, sunshine.
Morning.
Do you wanna grab some breakfast somewhere?
Ah, no can do. Busy morning, deals to close, you know.
Right.
So shall we, uh, just catch up later then?
Why?
Oh... this was just a bit of fun... wasn't it?
Oh! (LAUGHS) Yeah. Of course!
I mean, it was great fun.
(LAUGHS)
So, have a shower, grab what you want from the kitchen
and let yourself out, eh?
Oh, you'll be pleased to know...
Doug's actually moving on.
He's even talking about selling his old house. Isn't life a hoot?
Welcome to the wonderful world of singledom.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Is that kerosene?
Drastic measures are required.
Tight-arse Ray won't buy a new mower till this one's had it.
Now, I've put sugar in the gas tank. It's had no oil in it for months.
The beast won't die.
(WHISTLES) (LAUGHS)
You're in a good mood!
Nobody likes a whistler, Doug.
How can you say that?
Whistling is a pure expression of personal happiness.
BOTH: Somebody's getting some!
BRENT: Whoo-hoo! Bomp-chicka-wow-wow, Dougie!
Leave it out! No-one's getting anything.
So, when are you seeing her again?
It's funny you should ask that, actually.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Why?
Hey, mister. What's up?
Sweetheart?
You're seeing him again, aren't you?
It's the duck man, isn't it?
His name's Doug, and it's just a drink, OK?
Well, I don't like him and I don't want you to go.
Hey, Taylor. That's not fair.
Is it fair that I don't have my dad?
Taylor...
Taylor. Come on, let me in.
Taylor... sweetheart...
Taylor, this isn't easy for me either, you know?
You know, when your dad left,
the one thing that gave me comfort above everything else...
...was you.
You have always been and you always will be
the most important person in my life.
Doug's a good guy, yeah?
Why don't you give him a chance, eh?
For me.
I love you so much.
(DISTANT KNOCK AT DOOR)
OK, Jenny's here, darling.
I'm gonna go. I'll see you later, OK?
(KISSES)
QUIZ MASTER ON P.A.: 5,200 runs, with an average of 33.34,
and took 383 wickets with an average...
Ian Botham. It's Ian Botham!
(WHISPERS) Yeah. You sure? Yeah, man.
More than I know.
This has been a sanctuary, Flashy.
A closed club, a boys' club...
Yeah, um... No.
Well, I thought we had an unspoken rule.
I, um, asked Brenda along, as I heard you were seeing each other.
Brenda. Hi.
What type of transport did Steve McQueen use
in the film 'The Great Escape'?
What type of transport did Steve McQueen use
in the film 'The Great Escape'?
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
QUIZ MASTER: OK, listen up, everyone!
First question -what is the London Orbital motorway better known as?
M25. It's M25. Yes.
Complete the following TV series title.
'Police Camera...'
Is it 'Action'? Yes.
In which month is Hogmanay celebrated?
December. No, I know. It's December.
It's December. Yes.
Now... Ooh, it's another one for the Professors.
What type of music would you associate with Maria Callas?
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
Whoa, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty exciting here.
Men at Work and the Professors neck and neck on 56
as we come into the last round.
So for the last question of the Science and Nature round,
and therefore the last question of the night...
What is the world's fastest bird?
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
(WHISPERS) You write it down.
And the winner is...
Men at Work win! (ALL CHEER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
I call this trick the balanced pillars of justice. Ah!
Alright. Yeah, now what?
That's a good question!
Now what? Oh, bugger.
Want to help me out? (LAUGHS)
Come on, please help me out.
Come on. Come on.
HOLLY: See you later. We're gonna go have a girlie chat over here.
Oh, OK.
She's great.
Yeah, she's not bad.
(BOTH LAUGH) BRENT: Guys...
Come on, guys, help me out.
Look, it's spilling. No.
I can't help you.
('DON'T STOP ME NOW' BY QUEEN PLAYS ON JUKEBOX)
Oh, no.
I can't! (LAUGHS) Yeah, you can.
Come on. It's Queen! Oh, really? I'm not a dancer.
SONG: ¶ I'm floating around...
Trust me.
¶ So don't stop me... ¶
Feeling it. ¶ ...now... ¶
Guys... Guys. Oh come on, seriously.
¶ 'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time
¶ I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
¶ Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
¶ I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva... ¶
Come on!
¶ I'm gonna go, go, go
¶ There's no stopping me
¶ I'm buming through the sky, yeah
¶ 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
¶ I'm travelling at the speed of light
¶ I wanna make a supersonic man out of you
¶ Don't stop me now
¶ I'm having such a good time
¶ I'm having a ball
¶ Don't stop me now
¶ If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
¶ Don't stop me now ¶ 'Cause I'm having a good time
¶ Don't stop me now ¶ Yes, I'm having a good time
¶ I don't wanna stop at all
¶ I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
¶ On a collision course...
So, why are we here again?
Oh, it's an old haunt of mine...
¶ Like an atom bomb about to
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh explode
¶ I'm buming through the sky, yeah
¶ 200 degrees... ¶
This place is dead.
¶ ...Mr. Fahrenheit
¶ I'm travelling at the speed of light
¶ I wanna make a supersonic woman of you... ¶
(DOUG WHISPERS) Oi, Pierre. (QUACKS SOFTLY)
Shhh. Wait here, alright. The kid's asleep.
(THUD!)
(DOUG LAUGHS) HOLLY: Shhh.
What was that? It wasn't me. I know.
Oh, you've got two doors. Yes.
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERS) Doug. Doug.
What?
Asteroid.
(LAUGHS) He's got the asteroid.
Yes!
(DOUG CHUCKLES)
HOLLY: Shhhh.
(MOUTHS)
There's a lot of space stuff in there.
Oh, yeah!
And cricket. He likes cricket.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
It was good tonight. Yeah, Great.
You kicked arse in that quiz.
I did, didn't I? Yeah.
Thanks for seeing me home.
It's OK.
Goodnight, Mr. Gordon.
Oh. Of course.
I don't live here.
No, I live here.
I'd love to stay, but I've gotta go. (LAUGHS) Shhh.
Because I've... I've got another house.
Shhh!
That way.
See ya. 'Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(QUACKS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
I've got your bag! (LAUGHS)
My bag's here.
OK.
Here we go, Pierre.
Sorry about that, buddy. Just...
(SIGHS)
(HUMS HAPPILY)
Oh?
Shit.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Yeah, yeah. Hold... hold your horses.
Hey.
(SNIFFLES AND CHUCKLES SADLY)
That view's overrated anyway. (LAUGHS)
Yeah.
So here's the guest quarters.
(LAUGHS)
Wow.
It's my old room. So don't touch anything.
(SIGHS) It's perfect.
Don't touch the aircraft.
So, now there's someone you should meet.
OK, this I wouldn't have expected.
You know, you didn't think about getting a cat?
A dog?
No, too mainstream. (LAUGHS)
His name's Pierre.
Hello, Pierre.
Pierre, this is Craig. (QUACKS)
He's gonna be staying with us for a while.
(WHISPERS) Not too long, hopefully. (LAUGHS)
(QUACKS)
Here you go. Thank you.
So...
So what?
I knew it! You fancy him!
Well, no, actually. 'Fancy' is a strong word...
But, yeah, he's nice.
One small problem, though.
Oh, let me guess...
Taylor doesn't like him?
Hmm.
It's a big surprise. He doesn't like any guy who shows an interest in you.
I mean, seriously, Holly, it's time you put yourself first, you know?
If Doug turns out to be a solid guy, then Taylor will work it out.
Yeah.
Douglas!
Susan!
How are you?
Yeah, good.
Getting there.
You look great. Is that a new shirt?
Not really.
Oh...
Well, there's definitely something different about you.
Well, I'm living with a duck now.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, I do miss that quirky sense of humor.
In fact, I've been quite surprised how much I've missed you, Doug.
I'd love a chance to talk about this.
Maybe over a drink or a bite to eat or something...
Unless, of course, you're seeing someone else.
Actually...
I-I am...
I am kind of seeing... seeing someone.
Oh...
Oh, doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
Friends? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Of course. I mean, that would be... nice.
I better be going.
Give me a call sometime.
Yeah, sure.
Oh. Thank you.
Take care!
See ya.
Ugh.
"Take care."
What a dick.
Come on, Doug. How long have we gotta wait for this kid?
I wanna get a good park. Here he is,
You love cricket, remember?
Hi, Taylor. Say hi.
Hi. DOUG: Hope you're hungry.
We've got heaps of snacks.
Hello. Hello.
You must be the gorgeous Holly Flash won't shut up about.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Holly, this is my friend, Craig, He's staying with me for a while.
Hi, Craig. Hello.
So, look, don't worry at all, OK?
We're gonna get him straight home after the game.
We're all very responsible. And... (ALL LAUGH)
BRENT: Oh, nice one, Doug.
(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)
Relax, Doug. I trust you.
It's very lovely of you to arrange all this. So thanks.
Alright, come on, let's go.
Perhaps I should come with you, eh? Oh... no girls.
Oh. Yeah, Mum, no girls.
(ALL LAUGH)
Fair enough. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You're bringing the duck?
Are you kidding? Of course he's bringing Pierre.
BRENT: Come on, let's go.
Alright. OK.
See you soon. Yeah.
You boys take good care of him. Let's party!
Whoo-hoo!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CAR HORN BEEPS MUSICAL TUNE)
MAN: Come on! What do you call that?!
See? Up that way.
(BURBLES)
So... Holly?
The bird expert?
The extremely cute bird expert.
She's just helping him with Pierre.
Yes. Is that all?
That all she's helping you with?
Yes, that's all.
Camera 3, just give me a sweep of the crowd. Good.
Uh, Brian, stop.
Go back.
There.
(LAUGHS)
Tell me you can see that.
So, you like cricket, then, kid?
It's OK.
Just OK?
So, um... well, what do you like?
Space.
Space? Cool.
Do you know about NT7?
NT7? Um...
That's a lubricant, eh?
Like WD-40.
No, it's an asteroid. Oh, OK.
NT7 circles the sun every 837 days, and travels in a tilted orbit
from the distance of Mars to just within the Earth's orbit.
On the 1st of February, 2019, it will hit Earth, causing a global climatic disaster
that will threaten the future of civilization as we know it.
Wow.
OK, that's, um...
...pretty heavy sh... stuff there, fella.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
CRICKETER: Howzat!
(CROWD OOHS)
(CROWD ROARS)
Boys! Heh-heh. Good game, eh?
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
Oh, man, that kid Taylor's pretty full-on.
Whoo.
He's got some issues there, I reckon.
(ZIPS FLY) (ZIPS FLY)
Although he's wrong about NT7.
It's gonna miss us by a country mile. (CHUCKLES)
What do you mean?
Oh, I read a while back on 'Sky and Telescope',
apparently, its course has changed somewhat.
Still, don't wanna spoil a kid's fantasy, eh?
(CROWD CHEERS)
(CROWD BOOS)
(CROWD CHEERS)
COMMENTATOR: Great delivery, and what a HUGE breakthrough.
Brian, cue.
COMMENTATOR 2: Yes, he never looked settled at the crease
and now he's thrown his wicket away without scoring.
(CROWD CHEERS)
Oh, what the hell's that?
I believe it's called a 'duck', Allan.
Oh, who'd bring a duck to a cricket match? Can't be a real duck.
(LAUGHS)
Actually, I think It's what they call a 'shelduck', Allan.
Oh, it's a shelduck, Is it? Yeah, it Is.
But they're more commonly known as 'parries' over here.
(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)
(PIERRE HONKS)
He had a really good time. That's OK.
He's a good kid.
He is. He is. He's good.
That's good. (LAUGHS) Yeah.
All good.
Thanks. 'Bye.
Mum, what are you doing?
Uh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Just... you know, just saying goodnight to... to Doug.
So, goodnight.
And I was just saying... goodnight and...
Goodnight, Taylor.
Oh, I almost forgot.
What are you guys doing tomorrow? Nothing planned.
Great. I wanna show Taylor something.
OK. Sounds very mysterious.
It's a little bit... not too mysterious. OK.
So, can I pick you up at 10:00?
Lovely. Alright? Cool.
Doug?
TAYLOR: Mum, haven't you said goodbye enough?!
'Bye.
Yep, I'm coming. Should be in bed.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Hi, you're with Doug.
Doug. It's Susan.
Oh...
Uh... this is kind of hard for me.
But, um... but after seeing you today,
I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
Uh-huh.
I was confused when I left you, Doug.
But, um... but now that I've had time to clear my head, things are different.
And, um...
Well, I know that you've started seeing someone else,
but we had two years together, Doug, and that means something.
I don't think that I could forgive myself if we just threw it all away
without, well, at least talking about it.
Doug? Yeah.
Suppose it can't hurt.
Great. Are you free Monday night?
Monday's good, yep.
OK. I'll see you then.
(GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
MAN: NT7, while initially thought to be a high-level threat,
has long since been downgraded.
You see, the science of observing the universe
is the art of looking not just once or twice,
but many, many times.
By watching the orbit and trajectory of NT7,
the astronomers have observed that it will miss Earth
by several tens of millions of kilometers.
(WHOOSHING)
TAYLOR: So, we're not all gonna die?
HOLLY: I guess not.
Not from being hit by NT7 we're not, anyway.
But I was sure...
Ah, that's the thing about the universe, my young friend.
What is true today is not necessarily true tomorrow.
The universe must change.
That's its nature.
Tag!
Tag! Tag!
Tag! I got you.
Tag!
Thank you.
That meant so much to Taylor.
(LAUGHS) It's good to see him looking so happy.
That's OK.
You're a good man, Doug Gordon.
Um...
Holly...
TAYLOR: Doug!
Pierre's gone!
What? When did you last see him, love?
Only a few minutes ago. He was right there.
I saw this dog.
Alright. It's OK.
Pierre!
What if the dog ate him?
HOLLY: Of course the dog didn't eat him.
Pierre!
HOLLY: Pierre!
Have you seen a duck? (DOG BARKS)
TAYLOR: Pierre!
HOLLY: Pierre! Pierre!
TAYLOR: Pierre!
(DOUG'S VOICE ECHOES) Pierre!
Pierre!
Any sign?
He's probably fine.
Maybe he just... took off, Doug.
Well, he can't fly, Brent.
This is where he belongs, Doug.
I mean, you know, we may just have to face the fact that he's gone.
No, I'm not.
I'm sorry. Listen, Doug...
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Ugh.
Mate, in you get. Come on.
Pierre!
I'm sorry if I upset you.
Pierre!
Doug, something probably scared him.
Maybe that dog you saw.
Doug, he's probably in hiding, you know. Yeah.
He may not come out for hours, days even.
Well, look, do you expect me just to leave him?
No. I can't.
No, I know. I know. Doug, I don't.
I know you're not the type who just bails on his mates.
We'll find Pierre, OK?
Look, we're all so fond of him. I mean, especially me.
He brought us together, didn't he?
(SIGHS)
Eh?
I'm having dinner with Susan.
Oh. I think she wants to get back together.
Oh... Oh.
Oh.
OK.
I... I tried to tell you.
Yeah.
Well, you have now.
So your conscience is clear, isn't it?
(SIGHS)
Shit!
How much longer is he gonna be out there?
Can't just leave him here.
Here he comes.
Well, there's no sign of him.
Poor Doug.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS)
Oh, come on, snap out of it!
You got what you wanted.
Now you've got a chance to make it up with Susan.
Don't let a stupid duck get you down.
(SIGHS)
Of course.
SONG: ¶ There's no chance for us
¶ It's all decided for us
¶ This world has
¶ Only one sweet moment
¶ Set aside for us
¶ Who wants to live forever?
¶ Who wants to live forever? ¶
(PIERRE HONKS)
Pierre!
(GRUNTS) Pierre!
(GRUNTS) It's you.
¶ Who dares to love forever? ¶
It's you. You OK, little buddy?
(HONKS)
¶ Oh-ooh-oh!
¶ When love must die! ¶
Is he gonna be OK? Yes.
I may have to reassess my original diagnosis.
This bird is very capable of flying again.
Really? Mm.
Far as I can tell, there's only one thing standing in his way, and that's you.
Me? He's bonded with you.
And you don't fly, so he doesn't need to fly.
So, what are you saying?
In order for Pierre to fly, I have to fly?
Ready for take-off, First Officer?
So, Doug...
...you go up in the balloon...
...Pierre sees you fly, Pierre is inspired to fly.
Yeah, I... I should've said this earlier.
But... Mm?
I don't fly. Good.
I thought I was gonna be OK, but now that I'm here, it's just... it's got worse.
We'll have to teach you both to fly, then. I can't. I can't fly.
You OK, buddy? (GROANS)
I know.
You sure about this? Needs to get back his desire to fly.
Trust me, I'm a vet. (BURNER FIRES UP)
Oh. See, he's remembering.
(CHUCKLES) He's remembering.
It's working!
That's good, Pierre.
This isn't right, Doug.
OK, that's enough!
What?!
You can stop now! We could go higher?
No, bring him back!
(GROANS AND QUACKS)
Haven't seen him flap like that in ages.
I think it's cruel, actually- you've given him a taste of something
that he's never gonna be able to have.
Honey, chillax. No, I'm not gonna 'chillax'.
You've shown him something and then you've just taken it away.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
DR BUSTER: You can't give up, Doug.
Not if you want him to fly.
(QUACKS)
No. I'm sorry.
Been through enough.
Hey.
Going out, mate?
Yeah. Having dinner with Susan.
(CHOKES AND COUGHS)
Look, Pierre's still a bit scratchy, so I'm just gonna take him with me.
See ya, mate.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Mum?
Mm?
Is Doug still your friend?
Um...
I'm not sure.
Is it because of me?
No, of course not.
I'm always gonna be friends with Artie.
I know you will, sweetheart.
I miss Dad.
I know.
But I sort of like Doug too.
Is that OK?
Yeah.
Goodnight, darling.
Sleep well, yeah?
Goodnight, love.
Goodnight.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Why does it feel like I'm cheating on someone?
(GRUNTS) (SIGHS)
Holly's great, but I love Susan, right?
Pierre, I'm talking to you.
I need your opinion. I'm gonna have dinner.
It's with Susan.
Well, wish me luck. (GRUNTS)
Thank you.
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
Hi. Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Parking here's like... Whoa, you look great.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
So do you, Doug.
OK.
Well...
...here's to the new you.
Alright. MAN ON TV: But I love you.
NEWSREADER ON TV: ...the finance company was today jailed for fraud
after it was discovered...
WOMAN ON TV: How could you do this to me?! No...
(TURNS TV OFF)
(SIGHS)
(DIALS PHONE NUMBER)
(RINGING TONE)
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
DOUG ON PHONE: Hi, this is Doug talking to you. Leave a message...
(TAPS FOOT REPEATEDLY)
Oh, man!
I always knew you had it in you, Doug.
Just needed a little nudge in the right direction.
Yeah. Suppose so.
Once the house is sold, we can look for an apartment.
Maybe on the waterfront. The waterfront?
And once we've furnished and decorated,
you could get rid of that awful ute, maybe get a beemer.
(HALF-LAUGHS) I don't think I'll be driving a beemer.
Oh, come on, Doug.
Sweetheart...
...you do want this change, don't you?
Well, yeah, but, I mean, I have changed... a little bit.
Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I ordered an entree for you.
Oh.
Mmm.
WAITER: Enjoy your duck.
Wow. Oh.
This smells divine.
(VOICE ECHOES) Mmm.
It tastes even better.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(SIGHS) Susan, I'm sorry. I can't do this.
What? Why?
We just want different things.
You want the best, and you should have that.
But, you know, my life's fine, I'm happy with it.
I just like my life the way it is. CRAIG: I'm looking for Doug Gordon!
And thanks to someone, I think I know that now.
Doug! Stop, stop, stop, OK?
You can't do this. It's all wrong.
OK? I, um... Craig, what are you doing here?
You're making a big, big mistake.
It's fine, honestly. No, no, no, I slept with her!
(GLASS BREAKS IN THE DISTANCE)
(MAN COUGHS)
OK! Whoo!
Who heard that?
Did anyone not hear? Just carry on.
Man, that's...
...certainly newsworthy.
But I've already made my mind up, alright?
The person I wanna be with... (PIERRE GRUNTS)
Pierre!
(GRUNTS) SUSAN: Who the hell is Pierre?
I've gotta go.
Can you take care of the bill? Yeah, yeah.
Douglas!
DOUG!
Hey!
(SIGHS)
Um... I'm a little bit short right now.
('BICYCLE RACE' BY QUEEN)
Pierre! Come back!
Oh!
Oh, shit.
Pierre! (GRUNTS)
I've got you, buddy. (CAR HORN BEEPS)
Arggh!
(GLASS SMASHES)
(GRUNTS) Pierre!
I've got you!
SONG: ¶ 'Cause all I wanna do is
¶ Bicycle ¶ Yeah!
¶ Bicycle
¶ I want to ride my
¶ Bicycle, bicycle ¶ Come on!
¶ Bicycle
¶ I want to ride my bicycle
¶ I want to ride my bike
¶ I want to ride my bicycle
¶ I want to ride It where I like. ¶
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
TAYLOR: Who is it?
Doug.
Isn't Doug coming in?
No. Can you go back in... in your room, please?
Goodbye, Doug.
No, I need to talk to you. We're past talking.
Please.
Look, I made a mistake.
You certainly did.
No, you don't understand. What?!
What don't I understand, huh?
I can take the hits, yeah.
But Taylor can't, OK?
Well, I just... I just wanna make it right, please.
NO!
I thought you were decent.
But you're just... some bloke who's too scared to fly with a duck that can't.
(CRIES)
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
(CRIES) Mum?
Yeah, love? Are you OK?
SONG: ¶ Step on my toes
¶ Riddle my road
¶ Now I can't find my own way back
¶ Leave me to lie with you chasing my eyes
¶ So I fall for you one last time
¶ How do you know if a pocket of gold
¶ Will ever be enough to say I do?
¶ No, no, it's too late for lovers
¶ Save me
¶ Why won't you save me?
¶ When I gave you my whole world
¶ To leave this holy roller track
¶ If I only knew the day that I lose
¶ Would be up to you
¶ Because you know you said forever
¶ Still I am passing through... ¶
A bloody mess, eh, Pierre?
(PIERRE GROANS)
Makes you wonder what it's all about.
It's like Freddie Mercury says.
To be without love is like being locked in a prison cell.
Guess that makes us cell mates.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Good morning, Auckland!
Looks like another beautiful day In the big city today.
We call It an everyday day here, don't we?
The forecast mainly fine. Cloudy some areas.
A little bit of late rain expected. Tonight Southern Motorway...
BRENT: Ugh!
Start or die - make a decision! You want this?
KANGA: Hitting it with a hammer?
Fine, you come start it. Over this! No.
Sick of being on lawnmower detail. I showed you...
Come on, mate. Cheer up.
(CHUCKLES) I know.
Just feel sick about how I treated Holly, man.
She's really hurt.
Shouldn't have mucked her around, eh?
So Doug Gordon's not perfect.
Big deal.
Look...
...give her some time.
Try talking to her. You never know. She might just come round, man.
Oh, she's made it quite clear that ship has sailed.
I thought I told you dipsticks. Never start it in gear!
Shit! Look out, Pierre!
(QUACKS)
Whoa, Pierre!
GURN: Go! Go, Pierre!
(QUACKS) Fly, Pierre! Fly!
Fly! Fly!
(QUACKS)
(CRASH!)
Where is he? There!
(QUACKS) KANGA: Look at him go!
(ALL CHEER) Whoo! Whoo!
DOUG: That's high enough!
Hey!
Pierre!
Pierre.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
(HALF-LAUGHS)
(CHILDREN YELL)
BRENDA: What about internet dating? Would you do that?
Would you try something like that? HOLLY: No.
Well, there's that speed dating thing. Sounds awful.
Actually, there's this guy, and he's a friend of my cousin's.
And when they came... Brenda?
I can't talk about it here.
Sorry. OK?
Hey, kids, who wants a... Ooh.
Who wants a juice? Do you? Yeah? CHILD: I do.
Do you? Very good. There you are.
Wow. Lots of tigers.
(GASPS) Why is there a moon man at the zoo?
Oh, you've got a very beautiful imagination, Artie.
No, Mum. Look!
('FLASH' BY QUEEN)
SONG: ¶ Flash
¶ A-ah
¶ Savior of the universe
¶ Flash
¶ A-ah
¶ He'll save every one of us... ¶
MAN: Seemingly, there Is no reason
for these extraordinary Intergalactical upsets.
WOMAN: What's happening, Flash?
Only Doctor Hans Zarkov, formerly at NASA, has provided any explanation.
¶ Flash
¶ A-ah... ¶
(MUFFLED) I wanna take you to the moon.
¶ He's a miracle...
ARTIE: We can't hear you, moon man!
(MUFFLED) I wanna take you to the moon.
He wants to go to Mumbai. No, the moon.
Go home, Doug.
This isn't the place, OK?
(MUFFLED) I wanna take you to the moon.
ARTIE: He wants to go soon!
(MUFFLED) The moon!
This June.
I don't wanna go to Mumbai.
I don't wanna go anywhere with you, OK?
(SHOUTS) I wanna take you to the moon!
You can't take me to the moon, Doug.
Why not? He's got the suit.
Yeah, hear him out. He's gone to all this effort.
WOMAN: You can't turn down a trip to the moon.
Yes, she can. He dumped her and then hooked up with his skanky ex-girlfriend.
OK, I'm a spineless jerk.
And you were right.
I'm just a man with a duck.
But Pierre's gone. Alright?
He flew.
If he can fly...
I'm falling in love with you, Holly.
WOMEN: Aw...
WOMAN 2: It's so romantic.
Oh, give him another go.
My husband would never get dressed up for me.
WOMAN 3: I'm lucky if Bruce puts on trousers.
You think you can just turn up here...
...say you love me and everything will be OK?
Holly, I...
That was for embarrassing me.
Oh...
And that's for embarrassing me.
Sorry.
I can't really take you to the moon. It's OK.
(LAUGHS)
But I can get you close.
Look.
(ALL CHEER)
(UPBEAT ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
But you don't even like flying.
Well, depends on my copilot.
You're a bit of a dick, do you know that?
Yeah. Little bit. (LAUGHS)
SONG: ¶ Here we are, born to be kings
¶ We're the princes of the universe
¶ Here we belong
¶ Fighting to survive
¶ In a world with the darkest powers
¶ Hey! ¶
(DUCKS QUACK)
¶ And here we are
¶ We're the princes of the universe
¶ Here we belong
¶ Fighting for survival
¶ We've come to be the rulers of you all
¶ Oh-oh-oh!
¶ I am immortal
¶ I have inside me blood of kings ¶ Yeah, yeah!
¶ I have no rival
¶ No man can be my equal
¶ Take me to the future of you all
¶ Born to be kings
¶ Princes of the universe
¶ Fighting and free
¶ Got your world in my hand
¶ I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand
¶ We were born to be princes of the universe
¶ No man could understand
¶ My power is in my own hands
¶ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
¶ People talk about you
¶ People say you've had your day
¶ I'm a man that will go far
¶ Fly the moon and reach for the stars
¶ With my sword and head held high
¶ Got to pass the test
¶ First time
¶ Yeah
¶ I know that people talk about me I hear it every day
¶ But I can prove them wrong 'cause I'm right first time
¶ Yeah, yeah!
¶ Alright, let's go, let's go!
¶ Ha-ha! ¶
(GUITAR SOLO)
¶ Yeah
¶ Watch this man fly
¶ Whoo!
¶ Bring on the girls!
¶ C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
¶ Here we are ¶ Here we are
¶ Born to be kings
¶ We're the princes of the universe
¶ Here we belong
¶ Born to be kings
¶ Princes of the universe
¶ Fighting and free
¶ Got your world in my hand
¶ I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand
¶ We were born to be princes of the universe
¶ Universe, universe, universe, universe. ¶